Where Did All The Real Men Go?

Since becoming a dad my husband has proudly gushed to friends and colleagues, sharing some of the hilarious stories of poop in the bath, sleeping on the couch with babe in arms, pushing prams up and down our driveway at 2am. What has struck as both is the response he gets which is one of surprise that he should be up at 2am, changing diapers. The comment "wow, you are really an active dad!" is one that we are used to. It seemed shocking to us that him being a dad would be considered so unique by so many people, which then begs the question, "Where did all the real men go?"

It seems we have a society riddled with weak men. Men who cannot handle the responsibility of being a dad, men who cannot and don't get their hands dirty, men who leave it up to their wives to raise their children. Here is a snapshot of some of the husbands we have heard of lately:

- one ran off to Mauritius when his son was born... apparently he needed a break (nice place to run to if you are going to run!);
- one who slept in another room so that his wife getting up 4 times a night did not disturb him;
- one who wanted nothing to do with the kids till they were a "decent" age which was considered to be at two years old;
... and all of them refused to deal with nappies and if they do they bring out the masks and gloves (no jokes!)

I have seen men look at their children bewildered when their wives are not around unable to act without a list of instructions being barked at them and I have heard wives tell tales of useless husbands who could not parent without a manual.

We watched a comedian last night (name and link) who had a great bit about being a father of four. In it he jokes about the fact that he should really have learnt their names by now and how he does indeed do diapers and by doing diapers he means telling his wive it needs to be done. It appears that this "joke" is much the reality out there and more terribly - it is accepted.

It seems to me that our society is apathetic about absent dads. Do we believe men are incapable of showing love and compassion for their babies? Do we think them incapable of being nurturers  Surely not. And if we do, shame on us for making them feel inadequate and banishing them to their game consoles to be "men".

I think its all bullshit. Men are indeed capable of intense love, great nurturing and wells of compassion if we just allow them to be, expect them to be. My husband is considered to be "an active dad" - whatever that is supposed to mean. Lets just point out that I am not called  an active mother for caring for my daughter - nope, I am just a mom, no adjectives for me!

What granted him this grand title? He was up with me at 3am when monkey wouldn't sleep. He would rock her, talk to her about her future, make me tea, hug me - he was there, really there. Could he breastfeed? No. But he could be there for me keeping me company in the dead of the night so the burden wasn't mine alone. When I was exhausted and monkey wouldn't sleep he rocked her while I napped.

The point is we survived the early months together, as a team. The result? I fell in love with him over and over again in completely new ways. I saw a strength I never saw before, a resolute man determined to care for his new family in any way he could. I saw his patience as he rocked her for hours and I loved him deeper. I saw him wait for a poop nappy so he could swoop in and clean her up, have his daddy moment with her and it made me proud. I see him carrying the burden of caring for us with his head held high and my heart aches for him.

Does it take a special man to be an "active dad"? I would hope not. I would hope that every man has it in him to be so present, so willing to bond with their offspring, to want to experience the act of raising that child no matter if it occurs at 3am. That being said, there seem to be far too many men who complacently allow their wives to do it all, and far too many wives who dismiss their husbands' attempts to parent.

The sad fact is that in this situation everyone loses. We now have an exhausted mother who believes she must do all the parenting alone, a father who feels inadequate and a child who misses out on the joy of having a team of parents. Its a sad state of affairs really.

All I can say is that I am grateful every day for my husband who happily changes diapers, rushes home for bath time, makes us dinner every night and is happy to be in bed with me at 9pm. I have fallen in love with him over and over again in these past few months watching him grow as a person, a father and a husband.

I implore the wives out there not to shut out their husbands just for being men and I implore dads out there to get their hands dirty and prove everyone wrong. I really do believe that it is through the very physical act of caring for something so helpless that you bond so resolutely and love so immensely.

So this post goes out to the real men out there who are dads, not active dads, just dads (my husband included). Horray to you!