I remember when I was pregnant and parents would look at me with that LOOK. Anyone that is or has been pregnant knows that look. It's the one that is vaguely condescending and all-knowing. They would look and me and smirk, "Enjoy your sleep while you can." And I thought, what a dumb thing to say. I understand I am not going to get sleep for a while, duh...I'm having a baby. What they should have said is, "Enjoy feeling like a whole human, rested and peaceful as you will never feel like this again." That would have made a lot more sense.
We have been very fortunate that Chloe started sleeping through at 5 and a half months. A solid 11.5 hours a day she is asleep. I could not be more grateful. Granted we barely slept for the first 3 months and the next 2 months were not much better. So I know what it is to not sleep. (My husband is still scarred from the experience of seeing what that does to me.) But I wasn't quite prepared for the mental and emotional exhaustion that comes hand in hand with being a parent. And this I fear is never ending.
What, you ask, is so tiring about being a parent? Here is a tiny slice of my internal dialogue and activities needed as I prepare to leave the house.
~ Right let's go.
~ Where's the sunblock? Search through the baby bag, my bag, the bedroom. Locate the sunblock under the couch. Smear sunblock on squirming baby that believes sunblock is edible body butter. Don't eat that. Don't eat that. Seriously Chloe Bear, DO NOT EAT THAT.
~ Right, now where is that darn hat? I really need to get another hat. I hate looking for the ONE hat that fits her head. Search through the baby bag, search through my bag, search her room. Find the hat in the toy box in the lounge. Okay Bear let's put the hat on. Yes, I know you hate the hat but don't pull it off. Don't pull it off. Seriously Bear just keep the hat ON.
~ Nappies. Check. Wet wipes check.
~ Wait, let me take a blanket for shade in case the sun is too hot.
~ I better take a jersey in case it gets cold.
~ Let me take extra clothes in case she takes her sippy cup and shakes it all over the place because she loves the feeling of water falling on to her skin.
~ Better pack a snack and lunch in case we are longer than expected. Open the freezer, try to crack out a few blocks of frozen home made food, that has been peeled, chopped, steamed and mashed. Cant get the blocks out. Take a knife and stab at the blocks. Throw the tray on the counter as hard as I can. Blocks fall on the floor. Sigh. Wash the blocks (whats a bit of dust?) Find a tupperware.
Where is the lid for this dam thing? Seriously, I hate tupperware - why are you always short a lid? Find a new tupperware, one that has a lid.
~ Spoon, bib. Check.
~ Okay right, we are ready.
~ Wait, where is my phone? Search my bag, the baby bag, my room. Find the phone in the couch cushion.
~ Right, ready.
~ Grab the car seat. Put the baby in. One, two...three! Baby in. One arm in, Chloe give me your arm, give....good girl.
~ Okay, my bag, baby bag. Car seat with baby in. Ready.
~ Oh wait, sippy cup. Grab the cup, put fresh water in it. Where is the lid? Oh god dammit! Find the lid in the sink. Put the cup in the bag.
~ Okay, seriously now we are late. Let's go.
~ Put the car seat in the car. Keys in the ignition. Oh wait, I better get a snack for the car otherwise she is going to scream the whole way. Back in the house, grab a snack. Lock. Back in the car.
~ Okay Bear, ADVENTURE TIME!
~ Please don't scream at mommy. It's just a short ride.
~ Here, have a fling.
And that is just to leave the house.
So the next time you ask us if we want to pop round for lunch and we arrive looking haggard and a little harassed and you just cant understand why we looking so tired since you know very well that Chloe is sleeping through... now you know.
Being a parent is exhausting. It is constant. Every waking moment you are thinking of your child, what they need, what they might need, and how everything will impact them.
But as exhausting as it is, it is the most joyful thing I have ever experienced. You have spent the day carrying, packing, fishing stones out of mouths, fishing leaves out of mouths, cleaning bums, cleaning floors, cleaning mouths, cleaning hands, picking up, putting down, singing, shushing, walking, bouncing and you finally put the little one to bed, make dinner, eat dinner, say hi to your husband, sit on the couch and you sigh a sigh of relief that the day is over. All you want to do is lie in bed and read your book. You are two pages in when you hear that fateful sound of a baby waking up and you know that the past 40 minutes was merely a power nap and she will be up for the next 4 hours. You sigh, you get up and get dressed. Put the lights back on. You walk into that room with a heavy heart but then she looks up at you and beams that huge wonderful all encompassing smile and it all washes away. Those tiny arms go up as she implores you to pick her up and cuddle her. She nuzzles her face to yours, holds you close and gives you a good old lick which is her equivalent of a kiss. She pulls back, looks you in the eye and smiles and you know you will do anything for her.
Becoming a parent is the most wonderful awful thing I have ever done. It fills me up in a way I never imagined. It has made my life so much bigger, made my heart so much bigger. And of course has made me more tired than I ever imagined.
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| The smile that lights up my life |
